CINDY CRAWFORD--SHAPE YOUR BODY WORKOUT: MTV-style artsy-fartsy black-and-white stuff blends with color wank shots while "fitness expert" Radu grabs Cindy's ass and flings her around on the beach. What exactly this does for one's abs is beyond me, but it's damnably fun to watch. Radu's Bela Lugosi-esque voice-overs ("Choulder roll, backvards!") accompany most of the tape, with comments from Cindy ("you have to keep drinking water") offering additional guidance. Now, I know it's not hip to be jonesin' for Cindy Crawford, but to hell with hipness--watchin' this fleshy supermodel squirm and twist like some kinda freaked-out boogie queen made me wanta draw the curtains. Besides, me and Cindy have matching moles, so you hipsters can bite me, alright? And let's face it: Fairuza Balk has yet to release a workout tape.

Fitness benefits: We've got Cindy doing hip circles, squat-thrusts, some sort of weird kickboxing thing and drinking lots of water. I particularly liked the one where she lays on her back and jams her butt into the air. I never once got off the couch, yet I was left completely exhausted, so I figure my metabolism had to be right through the roof, and that's what this exercise thing is all about, isn't it? I watched this one first and found myself coming back to it over and over again between other tapes--sort of "cleansing the palate," I guess.

SANDAHL BERGMAN'S BODY: Sandahl (Conan the Barbarian) Bergman whips through her workout backed up by two cheeseballs in sweatsuits who look like they'd rather be at the Sal Mineo tribute dinner than rolling around on the floor with this saucy ex-dancer. Sandahl's "warm up" is more energetic than Cindy's entire workout, and she loses points for this. Too much jumping around and not enough slow, rhythmic undulating makes for a less-satisfying exercise experience, as far as I'm concerned. Sandahl tells us to "think of strings running from our feet up through our spines" and crap like that, which also serves to distract. I found myself losing interest long enough to finish off an entire Super Tank of Classic Coke. One portion of the tape is devoted to "Coordination," which seems utterly pointless, but since Sandahl is dressed like an extra from "The Love Boat" during this segment, I'll let it slide. In fact, Sandahl's ever-changing wardrobe is almost entirely composed of '80s Flashdance-style stuff.

Fitness benefits: What's the deal with the "ribcage" exercise, anyway? Who needs to exercise their goddamn ribcage?

LINNEA QUIGLEY'S HORROR WORKOUT: OK, this one ain't so much a workout tape as it is an excuse to see B-movie queen Linnea twitch and writhe in skimpy clothing. Waitaminnit--you don't suppose that's what these other tapes are all about, too, do you? At any rate, Linnea takes a long shower (who else would shower before the workout?), then goes jogging in a graveyard where she's pursued by workout-crazy zombies, then heads back home for a lingerie-filled slumber party with a passel of naughty girls! Director Hal Kennedy (actually badass monster-maker Kenneth J. Hall) handles the action with tongue firmly in whatever, sending his own brother Cleve after the slumber party girls while wearing a Ronald Reagan mask.

Fitness benefits: I shared a house with the supersweet Linnea for a few months when I was living in L.A., and I gotta tell you--she works out a hell of a lot harder than this tape would have you believe, but I never saw her do it while falling out of her clothes. So if you just wanna cut the shit and see a nipple or two, this is the workout tape for you.