Invasion of the Blood Farmers

Weekly Alibi


REVIEWED: 11-02-98

The screenwriter of Shriek of the Mutilated brings us this classic of ultra-crappy cinema. Opening with a bit of haunting narration from somebody doing a half-assed James Mason impression, we quickly move to a backroads highway where "Jim Carrey," splattered with blood and swaying like Elvis, staggers into a local bar and drops dead. Elsewhere, a shirtless guy pines for his wife, unaware that, at that very moment, her blood is being drained by a guy in a black KKK hood. Our spit-swappin' heroes, a kneesock-wearin' Brady Girl and her nerd squeeze, are interrupted by the girl's pop, a mad scientist-type professor who explains that Carrey's blood got all fizzy and made him explode like Zotz candy (of course, I'm simplifying the science involved here). Back at the bar, two farmer-guys with gray shoe polish in their hair get their skivvies in a twist when they overhear talk of the scientist's discoveries. One of them spies on the scientist, hoping to report any news back to "Creton," but he's foiled by a big fluffy dog that wants to wrassle. Much to Brady Girl's chagrin, the dog disappears, and we see the film's most horrifying scene, wherein the nerd comforts his worried squeeze by opening wide and lunging lips-first into the camera. The nerd tells Brady Girl's dad that there were bloodstains and signs of a struggle by the river. Obviously well versed in these matters, the old guy replies "Probably woodchucks." A pair of newlyweds arrive in town, but their happiness is cut short when the Blood Farmers attack! They drag the two back to--where else--the Blood Farm, where we finally meet Creton himself, and lemme tell ya', this guy is on fire. On loan from a fifth-rate Shakespeare festival, Creton is leading his Blood Farmers--actually a bunch of Druids--in a quest to revive the "last queen of the Sangroid" by finding a suitable "blood host" (or hoost, as Creton might say). I'd explain this a little better, but to be honest I couldn't figure out what the hell this guy was talking about. Thanks to his Criswell-esque sidekick, Creton discovers that Brady Girl is the perfect blood hoost and the gal is kidnapped and prepared for sacrifice. At a loss, the nerd is forced to call on the local cops for help, and things plunge toward the incredibly inept conclusion. Makes Plan 9 from Outer Space look like Goodfellas.

--Scott Phillips

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