To Sleep With a Vampire . Weekly Alibi . 01-26-98

To Sleep With a Vampire

DIRECTED BY: Adam Friedman

REVIEWED: 01-26-98

OK, I've gotta 'fess up here--I went into this Roger Corman-produced flick only to see eye-candy actress Charlie Spradling shuck her clothes and shimmy around a pole, so you know I didn't have much in the way of expectations, but I never imagined how truly awful the thing would turn out to be. A remake of Corman's Dance of the Damned, Vampire features Scott (Mallory's boyfriend on "Family Ties") Valentine as one of those stinkin' candy-ass "tortured" vampires, who wanders into a strip club one night. After watching Charlie Spradling do her act (a terrific contribution to film nudity, I gotta admit), Scotty decides he needs to take her home for the night and chat with her before sucking her blood. Y'see, while Scotty accepts his place on the food chain, he's curious about us humans--especially the ones with breast implants and stiletto heels. In a performance so wooden it makes Tor Johnson look like Laurence Olivier, our boy Scott stalks Charlie around his seedy apartment spouting unbelievably earnest dialogue while Chuck wallows on the bed in skintight jeans and whines about her little boy whom she's no longer allowed to see. The whole thing feels like a high school play with the bonus of bobblin' gazongas, and the "artistic" moments will, I swear to God, make you poop your pants. After stumbling across a Polaroid of Chuck's kid, Scott takes her to see her sleeping youngster, who doesn't seem startled at all when a vampire knocks a hole in his window and tosses mom into his lap. To repay the favor, Charles takes Scotty to the beach, where she shines a light on him and jabbers about the sights and smells of a day at Venice beach--and I can tell ya, she was way off the mark about the smells of that particular stretch of sand. Coconut oil? Try "urine," sweetpants. And I can honestly say, the sight of Scott "Be My" Valentine lying spread-eagle on the beach in a pair of tiger-stripe bikini briefs will send your tasty dinner spewing right the hell outta your guts. After that, they return to Charlie's strip club to writhe in grease-slathered ecstasy on the stage, then the whole shebang winds down to a wrenchingly weak conclusion. However, I did learn an important fact about vampires: Shooting one will trouble him only slightly, but if you hit him with a two-by-four or startle him with a flashbulb, you'll gain valuable seconds in which to escape his evil clutches! (New Horizons)

--Scott Phillips

Film Vault Suggested Links
Habit
The Playgirls and the Vampire
Daughters of Darkness

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