This new chronicle of the adventures of the king's musketeers,
as directed by Braveheart scribe Randall Wallace, suffers from a severe case of over-earnestness
and star-power overkill. It's agleam with sumptuous scenes of Versailles revelry
but with hardly any of Dumas' dank wit and ear for epic tragedy. Wallace, instead,
places things somewhere between the bravura silliness of Richard Lester's 1974 The
Three Musketeers and an Actors Studio self-help group: There's so much unintentional
mugging in this film I feared for my wallet. DiCaprio, as the tyrannical boy-king
Louis XIV, is at the heart of the problem. Certainly he has the boy part down pat,
and his haughtiness is unquestionable, but there's something about his flat, American
tones which leave his portrayal of King Fop lying in the dust. Likewise his Phillipe,
the king's twin and the titular man in the mask, whom he plays with a wide-eyed bluster
more appropriate to a pre-Titanic Jack Dawson. Clearly he's not the man for the job
here (and who is? my vote goes to Crispin Glover, if only to add the much needed
--and intentional --oddball quotient the film sorely deserves). As for the musketeers
themselves, what must have seemed a casting coup of mammoth proportions doesn't play
nearly as well onscreen as it does in the mind's eye. Irons is suitably pious as
Aramis, who spends his days praying in his room and advising the King in matters
of state while simultaneously plotting against him. The same goes for Byrne as the
conflicted D'Artagnan, now Captain of the King's musketeer regiments and thus sworn
in allegiance to DiCaprio's power-mad teddy boy. Malkovich, however, is coming out
of left field as Athos, who is spurred to treason when Louis sends off his son Raoul
(Skarsgaard, doing an impeccable Malkovich, Jr. impersonation) to die in order to
make time with the boy's lady love, Christine (Godreche). Of course, Malkovich always
seems to be playing left of center, but here his clipped, monotone Midwestern accents
trip him up, and his paternal stoicism is cartoonish. Depardieu, as the lusty, aging
Porthos seems to be the only one having any fun with his role; when not bedding the
scullery maids or finishing off yet another flagon of ale, he's grousing about the
unfairness of growing old and dreaming of past glories, a grizzled lech with a faltering
rapier. The film itself is a jumble of period images that swirl by with little meaning
or resonance, a series of ornate parties, treacheries, and rescues. It lacks the
inherent impact of Dumas' tale, and its emotional core seems tacked on and unfinished.
It's all swash and no buckle.
2.0 stars
--Marc Savlov
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